by wildcherry on Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 | Friendship, Love | No Comments

The kind of folks you hang with influence you more than you think. Multiple studies show that human beings unconsciously and consciously mimic the behaviors of those around them. Folks hanging out with optimists become optimists themselves. Women who cheat on their husbands dally with other cheaters.

In Bounce: Living the Resilient Life, psychology professor Robert Wicks recommends that we invite into our circle of friends four types of people: the prophet, the cheerleader, the harasser, and guides. By including these different voices and friends into our life, he argues, we can become more resilient to life’s blows.

The prophet is the type of person that calls us on any misguided attempts at something, makes us accountable for our behavior, and prompts us to be honest, even when that is not easy. The prophet challenges us, and can be a royal pain at times, but ultimately helps us to find freedom. Says Wicks, “Prophets point! They point to the fact that it doesn’t matter whether pleasure or pain is involved, the only thing that matters is that we seek to see and live ‘the truth’ because only it will set us free.”

2. The Cheerleader

To balance out the provocation and questioning of a prophet, a person also must have a few cheerleader friends: folks who offer unconditional love, support, and acceptance. Wicks says we need the encouragement of the cheerleader as much as the criticism and feedback of the prophet because “burnout is always around the corner when we don’t have people who are ready to encourage us, see our gifts clearly, and be there for us when our involvement with people, their sometimes unrealistic demands, and our own crazy expectations for ourselves threaten to pull us down.”

3. The Harasser

After we’ve been criticized and loved, we need to laugh. That’s why we need harassers, the third kind of friend, who helps us to see the humor in life’s frustrations and calamities. They help us to mock our unrealistic expectations, of ourselves and of others. Says Wicks, “This type of friend helps us regain and maintain perspective.”

4. Guides

And finally, we need guides. Listeners. People who will, according to Wicks, “search and look for nuances in what we share with them to help us to uncover some of the ‘voices’ that are unconsciously guiding our lives, especially the ones that make us hesitant, anxious, fearful, and willful.”

Written by:Therese Borchard

Tags: best friends, Bounce: Living The Resilient Life, four kinds of friends, friends, Friendship, kinds of friends we need, Make Friends, making friends, Peer Pressure, Robert Wicks, The Balanced Life, types of friends

by echandr on Saturday, October 25th, 2008 | Diary, Inspiration, Life | 1 Comment

Tags: Facebook, friends, networking, people, social networks

by sweetcherry on Thursday, September 25th, 2008 | Dating, Friendship, Love, Love Story | No Comments

I found this article on MSN Dating & Personals:

By Debra Kent

When I found Thomas’ profile, I thought I must be dreaming: Here was everything I was looking for in 250 words. He loved animals, camping, kids. He shared my politics, faith, and deep and abiding affection for Thai food. Great smile, thick curly hair, broad shoulders, strong arms. I couldn’t wait to email him—that is, until I got to the very last line of his profile: “I’m only looking for friendship right now.”

Huh? What was that supposed to mean? I was eager to jump into romance and this guy wanted, what, a pen pal? A golfing buddy? Or was he just gun-shy? There was only one way to find out, so I emailed him.

Why he didn’t want a relationship… yet
It turned out Thomas was still raw from splitting with his wife. He wanted to get back into circulation, but didn’t feel ready for the real thing. Over the course of many emails, I realized that we were a good fit. He realized it, too, and quickly sent this disclaimer: “I can feel myself starting to have feelings for you. And I want to meet you soon. But I was serious when I said I was only looking for friendship right now.”

In truth, this was exactly what I needed, too. I was still fresh from the demise of my marriage—and my therapist, who knows I’m hopelessly romantic and quick to commit, had urged me to strive for platonic relationships, at least for a while. “Fine with me,” I wrote back. “So, buddy, where would you like to meet?”

An hour later I was sitting in Starbucks with my new friend, sharing stories and laughing and, to my pleasant surprise, not caring at all that I hadn’t spent hours on my clothes, hair and makeup in preparation for my big date. After all, we were friends-only. This would be a come-as-you-are experience.

The finer points of “friends first”
In the weeks that followed, Thomas and I were truly friends. We rode his motorcycle around the lake, went to the movies, ate in restaurants and on blankets by the creek. We shared our darkest emotions, our vulnerabilities and fears. I knew about his bouts with depression, he knew why my marriage failed. Meanwhile, the chemistry between us simmered and roiled in a most delicious way. There’s something intensely sexy about pent-up desire in a presumably platonic relationship. Think: When Harry Met Sally. The hard part is restraining yourself, but that’s part of the fun. After two months as friends, I began to see Thomas as someone I could fall in love with, possibly even marry—and I could sense he felt the same way about me.

But very soon after that, I noticed a drop in our email activity. There was no more daily check in. I’d call and he was slow to call back. What was going on?

The reality check
Finally, over what would be our last lunch at Noodle Village, he told me that he and his wife had reconciled. He also admitted that he had begun to develop an attraction and affection for me, but he felt obligated to make his marriage work.

I should have been happy for him—I was, after all, his friend. But my heart ached when I heard his news. He asked if I wanted to remain friends. I did not. It was then that I admitted to myself, and to Thomas, that the whole business of being platonic friends was a pretext, a ruse. I could never be just friends because, well, I liked him too much. And as much as I reminded myself that I was a big girl and knew what I was getting myself into, it still hurt. I cried. I hated myself for contacting Thomas in the first place. I was angry at him for the emotional intimacy he shared. I felt misled, even though I’d known exactly what I was getting myself into.

Why “friends first” is fine with me
Today, you’d think I’d be wary of anyone advertising the need to start as friends. But over time as I’ve gained more perspective on my time with Thomas, I’ve come to realize that, in spite of the risks and potential for heartache, there are still real advantages to building a friendship before plunging into romance. For starters, my “dates” with Thomas were more relaxed and, ultimately, a lot more enjoyable since I had no driving need to dazzle him. I liked the fact that I could be my unfiltered, uncensored self; I could show up looking scruffy, laugh to the point of snorting, admit my deepest insecurities and it was OK because we were friends. With Thomas, there was no pressure to be perfectly groomed, gorgeously attired and endlessly witty. Likewise, I saw him at his most uncensored self.

In short, I’m not discouraged. In fact, I’m even more optimistic now that I see some of the surprising advantages to the friends-first approach, and have gone so far as to revise my own profile to include my new preference for starting as pals. I realize now that it doesn’t mean the end of romance but, quite possibly, the start of something wonderful.

Taken from http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=5914&menuid=1&lid=429&ap=1

Tags: friends, friends-first approach, looking for friendships, online profile, relationship

by bintangkecil on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008 | Friendship | 1 Comment

Have you ever felt you knew your friends very well until a misfortune happens?

My friend, Lena, once told me, “It was very bitter for me at that time but after that, I realize how lucky I was to have a misfortune.” (ironic, isn’t it? - BK - Bintang Kecil).

“You are very lucky to have experienced a misfortune”, I told her.
You know why? Because, just because you find out who’s your enemy under your blanket sooner … rather than later … right?

On one night on a summer weekend, Lena was planning to go and hang out at a lounge in Hollywood with her group of friends. Lena was going to carpool with them. They were going to pick her up on the way to the lounge at 8pm. They didn’t want Lena to go and drive alone to the lounge, they said …

Somehow, one of Lena’s friends, Heidi, called her and said, “Lena, could you pick up Tommy on your way to the lounge? Let’s just meet up there!”

Lena: “What? Who’s Tommy?”

Heidi: “He’s my friend, he wants to join us to the lounge. Could you pick him up? He lives in Pasadena. It’s close from Arcadia right?” (If you don’t know how close they are, let’s say it’s about 10-15 miles?)

Lena: “I thought you were going to pick me up?”

Heidi: “No, change of plans .. Tommy wants to go but he doesn’t want to drive and your place is close to his so can you please pick him up?”

Lena was already upset, she called me right after Heidi called her.

Lena: “I can’t believe what Heidi just did .. Heidi is going to have to pass Tommy’s house anyway but she’s telling me to pick him up? I don’t even know him. Why should I pick him up?”

BK: “I guess because she does not want Tommy to drive and it you’re not driving, there wouldn’t be enough room for all of you guys?”

Lena: “Yes, exactly. I never knew that she would trade me with some guy ..”

Lena didn’t end up going that night and spent the night at my place instead.

She told me that long time ago, she helped Heidi a lot when she needs transportation. She actually drove 35 miles to pick her up and drove her around. She didn’t think that Heidi would have used her just to pick up a guy for her own advantage. I told her that it’s probably Heidi’s logical solution at that time?? ..

Lena also mentioned that she had a flat tire in the middle of the night once and called Heidi (thinking that Heidi was her closest friend …) and left a voicemail, but she did not pick up and did not even call until the next day. Somebody else, who’s not even in the hangout group, called her and came to help her put on the spare tire.

Misfortune can tell you a lot about your true friends …

I can only say “Lena, you are very lucky … to have less unidentified true friends”.

(Other bigger misfortunate was not mentioned in this story because of Lena’s privacy)

Misfortune shows those who are not really friends. - Aristotle

Tags: betrayal, friends, Friendship, lucky, misfortune, true friends