Members of the Handsome Men’s Club Video
by wildcherry on Thursday, March 11th, 2010 | Humour, Life | No Comments
Earlier this week Jimmy Kimmel aired a hilarious skit that, in just a few days, has become an Internet sensation. Oh and it features more than a dozen really hot guys—one of them shirtless.
Check it out :
Funniest Courtroom Exchange between Lawyer vs Witness
by wildcherry on Wednesday, March 10th, 2010 | Humour, Life | No Comments
I’m not sure if these lawyers and witnesses are nervous in the courtroom but these are “real courtroom exchange” between lawyer and the witness:
- Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
- Witness: “I only have one, you know.”
- Lawyer: “Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?”
- Witness: “By death.”
- Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
- Accused, Defending His Own Case: “Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?”
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
- Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”
- Witness: “July 15th.”
- Lawyer: “What year?”
- Witness: “Every year.”
- Lawyer: “Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?”
- Witness: “There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.”
- Lawyer: “Can you identify the rifle?”
- Witness: “Yes. There was something written on the side of it.”
- Lawyer: “And what did the writing say?”
- Witness: “‘Winchester’!”
- Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
- Witness: “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”
- Lawyer: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?”
- Witness: “No. He was wearing a mask.”
- Lawyer: “What was he wearing under the mask?”
- Witness: “Er…his face.”
- Lawyer: “This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?”
- Witness: “Yes.”
- Lawyer: “And in what ways does it affect your memory?”
- Witness: “I forget.”
- Lawyer: “You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?”
- Lawyer: “How old is your son, the one living with you?”
- Witness: “Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.”
- Lawyer: “How long has he lived with you?”
- Witness: “Forty-five years.”
- Lawyer: “What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?”
- Witness: “He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’”
- Lawyer: “And why did that upset you?”
- Witness: “My name is Susan.”
- Lawyer: “Sir, what is your IQ?”
- Witness: “Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”
- Lawyer: “Did you blow your horn or anything?”
- Witness: “After the accident?”
- Lawyer: “Before the accident.”
- Witness: “Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.”
- Lawyer: “Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
- Witness: “Yes.”
- Lawyer: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
- Witness: “Yes, sir.”
- Lawyer: “What did she say?”
- Witness: “‘What disco am I at?’”
- Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
- Witness: “No.”
- Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
- Witness: “No.”
- Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
- Witness: “No.”
- Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
- Witness: “No.”
- Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
- Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
- Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
- Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
- Lawyer: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
- Lawyer: “And you check your radar unit frequently?”
- Officer: “Yes, I do.”
- Lawyer: “And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?”
- Officer: “Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.”
- Lawyer: “What happened then?”
- Witness: “He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’”
- Lawyer: “Did he kill you?”
- Witness: “No.”
- Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”
- Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”
- Lawyer: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
- Lawyer: “So you were gone until you returned?”
- Lawyer: “The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?”
- Lawyer: “Were you alone or by yourself?”
- Lawyer: “How long have you been a French Canadian?”
- Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
- Lawyer: “Was this a male or a female?”
- Lawyer: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
- Witness: “I went to Europe, sir.”
- Lawyer: “And you took your new wife?”
- Lawyer: “I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.”
- Witness: “That’s me.”
- Lawyer: “Were you present when that picture was taken?”
- Lawyer: “Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”
- Lawyer: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
- Witness: “I’ll be three months on November 8.”
- Lawyer: “Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?”
- Witness: “Yes.”
- Lawyer: “What were you doing at that time?”
- Lawyer: “How many times have you committed suicide?”
- Witness: “Four times.”
- Lawyer: “Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”
- Lawyer: “She had three children, right?”
- Witness: “Yes.”
- Lawyer: “How many were boys?”
- Witness: “None.”
- Lawyer: “Were there girls?”
- Lawyer: “You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”
- Lawyer: “You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”
- Witness: “Yes.”
- Lawyer: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
- Lawyer: “Have you lived in this town all your life?”
- Witness: “Not yet.”
- Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”
- Lawyer: “Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?”
- Witness: “It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm.”
- Lawyer: “And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?”
- Lawyer: “What is your brother-in-law’s name?”
- Witness: “Borofkin.”
- Lawyer: “What’s his first name?”
- Witness: “I can’t remember.”
- Lawyer: “He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?”
- Witness: “No. I tell you, I’m too excited.” (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) “Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!”
- Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?”
- Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
- Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?”
- Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
- Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?”
- Witness: “No.”
- Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”
- Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”
- Lawyer: “What is your marital status?”
- Witness: “Fair.”
- Lawyer: “Are you married?”
- Witness: “No, I’m divorced.”
- Lawyer: “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”
- Witness: “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”
- Lawyer: “And who is this person you are speaking of?”
- Witness: “My ex-widow said it.
- Lawyer: “How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?”
- Witness: “Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.”
- Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
- Witness: “All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”
- Lawyer: “Were you acquainted with the deceased?”
- Witness: “Yes sir.”
- Lawyer: “Before or after he died?”
- Lawyer: “Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
- Witness: “No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”
- The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”
- Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”
- Witness: “No.”
- Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”
- Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”
- Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”
- Witness: “Attached to the ears.”
- Lawyer: “When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?”
- Other Lawyer: “Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.”
- Lawyer: “And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?”
- Witness: “Oral.”
- Lawyer: “How old are you?”
- Witness: “Oral.”
- Lawyer: “What is your relationship with the plaintiff?”
- Witness: “She is my daughter.”
- Lawyer: “Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?”
- Lawyer: “Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?”
- Lawyer: “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”
- Lawyer: “And what did he do then?”
- Witness: “He came home, and next morning he was dead.”
- Lawyer: “So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?”
- Lawyer: “Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?”
- Witness: “He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”
- Lawyer: “So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?”
- Witness: “I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.”
- Lawyer: “It was covered?”
- Witness: “Yes, bandaged.”
- Lawyer: “Then, later on…what did you see?”
- Witness: “I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”
- Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”
- Witness: “I could see his head.”
- Lawyer: “And where was his head?”
- Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”
- Lawyer: “Do you drink when you’re on duty?”
- Witness: “I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”
- Lawyer: “Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”
- Witness: “The victim lived.”
- Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”
- Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”
- Lawyer: “Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?”
- Witness: “Because he was argumentary, and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.”
source: thingspeoplesaid
South Park Cartman’s Poker Face Song
by wildcherry on Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 | Humour, Life | No Comments
Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” Song has reach a new height after South Park decide to remake the song. Here’s Eric Cartman singing Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face”:
Here’s Cartman singing a funny song about minorities at the waterpark on one of the South Park episode:
Clever and Funny Bus Advertising Pictures
by bintangkecil on Wednesday, February 17th, 2010 | Humour, Life | No Comments
Monster.com
Careerbuilder.com
Duracell
Air India
Jet Star Asia
Axe
National Geographic
Quit Smoking campaign
Reverse Driving (the ad was placed on the back of the bus)
Smint
Pepsi
Hillarious Marriage Quote by Famous People
by nate on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 | Humour, Life | No Comments
Disclaimer: Women, don’t get offended. I’m just forwarding what I think it’s funny, purely jokes.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Lee Majors
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
George Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
George W. Bush
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Rudy Giuliani
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
Michael Jordan
“I’ve had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t..” The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Shaquille O’Neal
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it
once…
Kobe Bryant
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Barack Obama
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have
mine.”
Brad Pitt
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Jokes: Reasons why I never visit my rich friend
by nate on Friday, January 22nd, 2010 | Diary, Humour, Life | No Comments
Just for fun and refreshment, don’t get offended.
Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and…..
Question : “What would you like to have…? Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino, or Coffee?”
Answer : “Tea please”
Question : “Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honeybush tea, iced tea or green tea?”
Answer : “Ceylon tea”
Question : “How would you like it? Black or White?”
Answer : “White”
Question : “Milk or fresh cream?”
Answer : “With milk”
Question : “Goat’s milk, or cow’s milk?”
Answer : “With cow’s milk please”
Question : “Freezeland cow or Africaner cow?”
Answer : “Umm… I’ll just take it black”
Question : “Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?”
Answer : “With sugar”
Question : “Beet sugar or cane sugar?”
Answer : “Cane sugar”
Question : “White, brown or yellow sugar?”
Answer : “Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead.”
Question : “Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?”
Answer : “Mineral water”
Question : “Flavored or non-flavored?”
Answer : “I think I’ll just die of thirst”
Creative and Funny Toilet Signs
by wildcherry on Wednesday, January 20th, 2010 | Humour, Life | No Comments
Below are the most creative, innovative and funny toilet signs from around the world that you probably never encounter in real life!
Funny Missing Pet Signs
by bintangkecil on Sunday, November 22nd, 2009 | Humour, Life, Pets & Animal | No Comments
1. LOST CAT
2. GAY DOG
3. LOST TORTOISE
4. CAT or RAT FOUND?
5. DOG WITH HUGE BALLS
6. LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL DOG
7. DEAF LOST DOG
8. AWESOME CAT
Hilarious and Funny Venn Diagrams
by bintangkecil on Sunday, November 8th, 2009 | Humour, Life | 1 Comment
Venn diagrams or set diagrams are diagrams that show all hypothetically possible logical relations between a finite collection of sets (groups of things). Venn diagrams were conceived around 1880 by John Venn. They are used in many fields, including set theory, probability, logic, statistics, and computer science.
Here are some hilarious and funny Venn Diagrams for you to laugh at:
Time When I Am Truly Happy
Social Media
The Truth About Chicken
Music Snob
Nerd
Things To Be Kept Out of Reach of Children
Serial Killers
Harry Potter
A Unification Of Cutlery
The Love Story of Two Circles
Japan’s karaoke
Black, White, and Red
Halloween or Child Molesters
Baring My Heart
Rules for Women (What Men Wants Women to Know)
by wildcherry on Thursday, October 29th, 2009 | Dating, Family, Love, Relationship | No Comments
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us griping about you leaving it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
5. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
7. Crying is blackmail.
8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
9. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
15. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
24. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
25. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
27. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
28. You have enough clothes.
29. You have too many shoes.
30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what they’re saying anyway.)
31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
PS: If you are a man don’t send this to your wife or girlfriend, instead send it to your female friends and hope that it’ll reach your significant other :).
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